this is not enough

my attention span is getting worse every day,
I can now lose track of my own emotions.

I have to concentrate hard to acknowledge my sadness
or even to feel excited...it's not easily achieved.

last night in my dream I was paralyzed on a wheelchair...couldn't move,
if that's my self image, i totally get that
i'm not fully functional emotionally or mentally...as odd as it seems i can't tell the difference

it's just sad
if that' show i perceive myself

what hurts me the most is the fact she was in pain
in deep paralyzing pain
and all she could do was to laugh
willing to learn
she was just learning how to code
it's not fair
the first time i saw her
at a party
she was gorgeous
she had paint on her hair and elbow...she couldn't see those spots
she loved her life, i could see it. makes me like my own...just being around her
and her smile
and the fact the last time i saw her she told me how much i looked like my mom
she was excited too see the whole family
oh , i mean why someone should be excited to see my family
that's how nice she was

and the fact that i called her, even though she was dead
please be wrong
make her be alive
be a joke
please

it's just so unfair

and the fact she suffered


i hope she didnt

the fact that she was scared

she loved everything

this is so cliche it's not even possible
that's why i don't get it

real life is supposed to be raw

there's only one thing that i don't have to concentrate about
and that's how hollow i feel

it's even more cliche
i hate this age of time
nothing can be original
even my censire feelings
are sounding like a sham

sweet
that's what she was.

a really sweet person

if only i wasn't this much materialistic
it times like this
you need to say smth about her soul
hope it's there somewhere

i'm just sorry

i should have enjoyed her more
really should have

i'm sorry hamdam dear.
you were so sweet
i hope you find your way